Confessions Of A Fat Girl...

These are not confessions of a former fat girl, or a fat girl who lost 100lbs and wants to preach about how nothing tastes as good as thin. I’m not a fat girl with a somewhat acceptable larger body, curves in all the “right places”, I don’t fit into society's beauty standards.

You’d think that would hurt my feelings, but it was a breath of fresh air to realise that no matter what I do, I will never fit in. So, what’s the point in trying, right?

Throughout my teens and into adulthood, I’ve existed somewhere on the fat spectrum. From the age of 10 I started participating in extreme behaviours to shrink myself - mind, body and soul - and fit in with my peers. I grew up in a loving and caring family, parents who supported me, and also didn’t want me to be fat.

My youth was spent trying to prevent fatness, I’d hear “you don’t want to end up like me!” and be paid to lose weight, the promise of a GAP leather jacket when I reached my goal weight.

Slim fast was a staple in our household.

I’d drink it, and still eat a meal because it tasted like ass and I was still hungry - as children typically are.

I hid food as a kid, learning that if I wanted to eat something my parents would consider “bad” I needed to figure out how to hide the evidence. I developed a secret binge eating disorder which led them to be even more concerned and strict over my foods. When my friends were getting chocolate at Easter, I was being told ‘I didn’t need it’.

I’d shop the shoe department, whilst my friends tried on the latest trends in Topshop complaining that the clothes made them “look fat”. I’d wonder what they must think of my body. I refused to wear a strappy dress without covering my arms for my 13th birthday, uncomfortable about how much bigger I was than everyone else.

Spoiler alert folks, it all happened anyway.

No matter how hard I tried; the gimmicks, products and systems didn’t “work” (or perhaps they did, because they didn’t IYKYK) and I was left to pick up the emotional pieces of my body image and confidence over and over again.

Well, it turned out, my body was never the problem.

It still isn’t.

Diet culture is the problem, and the diet industry wouldn’t be worth quite so much if diets worked*.

We wouldn’t need to “go back to {insert diet here}” because it would have worked the first time.

They wouldn’t need to create silly little names for calories, or challenge the most basic facts about nutrition.

I’ve tried almost everything, and one day, a few years ago I decided I was done. I didn’t want to spend any more of my life at battle with my body, and I wanted to make sure I ended the generational diet culture within my family.

When I started The Culture Of It All, my intention was to share more personal stories. Truthfully? I got scared, worried I’d be too much for people or worse, learn that I was on my own with these experiences. But my fears are nothing compared to the state of the world right now.

As I watch my friends across the Atlantic have their rights taken away repeatedly, and lose access to the most basic forms of support and care – now is not the time for us to be silent. During these times we need to create, collaborate and build communities to support one another. We can rely on each other's voices and creativity, so that when one of us rests, we still keep fighting for autonomy, diversity, equality and equity.

We’re back on Monday with season 3 of The Culture Of It All, and our first episode of 2025! As a thank you for supporting the show here on Substack, you’ll receive Confessions Of A Fat Girl bonus episodes on podcast off weeks.

Xo, Melanie

*By ‘worked’ I mean long term, lasting results for folks in larger bodies. There are no, I repeat NO, long term “solutions” to fatness.